Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Great Minds Think Alike

Middle of May and it's barely 40 degrees outside. Grey, overcast skies. Damp wind. The feeling summer will never come. Gloom.

3pm. Second-grader comes home from school. Puts down her backpack. "I have one page of homework," she announces. "Then I think we should just get into our pj's and have a cozy day."

"I'll make tea," I agreed.

Sometimes I think that kid is a genius.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Why She Acts Is Why I Blog


On Not Attending My College Reunion

Why bother, when all the good parts are available on YouTube?



Same hill, different season:


Money well spent, Mom and Dad!

Tax Cheats and the Cheating Cheaters Who Cheat On Them

In today's Star-Tribune, the results of a poll:

"Republican Sen. Norm Coleman holds a seven-point lead over his DFL challenger Al Franken, who appears to have been weakened by his recent tax problems...'If he can't handle his own affairs, then I don't think he can handle the Senate,' said [one of the people polled]."

42 per cent of those polled say they are not satisfied with the explanations Franken has offered for his failure to pay taxes in half a dozen states where he collected income. "How could you not pay your taxes? that just jumps out at you," said one man who participated in the poll.

And in an "only in Minnesota" response, one man polled added, "Bless his heart, but I don't think he's a qualified as Norm Coleman."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Hey Sports Fans!

DIH's morning routine is very simple. Get up, feed dog, make coffee. Tap computer awake. Check email, weather forecast, Drudge. And of course, check the LA Times, for the obituaries.

Ah, the obits. The "Irish Sports Page," as my father used to say. Your chance to gloat that, as of yet another dawn, you are not the featured item. Hurray for you!

The LA Times is a fun source because of the Hollywood connection. Every once in a while they write up the death of some actor or bit player you saw in one movie when you were seven years old, and the question "what the heck was his name" has been bugging you ever since. Now you, like the deceased, can have some peace.

But today the LAT outdid itself. Today they published the weirdest obituary of all time. In all my years of red-blooded Celtic deathwatching I've never seen anything like it. The link is

http://www.latimes.com/news/obituaries/la-me-karman18-2008may18,0,4488738.story

if you're interested. In the meantime,a few excerpts should give you the idea.

"Harvey Karman, a flamboyant psychologist whose invention made a key contribution to women's reproductive health, particularly by making abortions simpler, cheaper and less painful, died May 6 at Cottage Hospital in Santa Barbara. He was 84.

"Activist, inventor, educator and rogue, Karman was drawn to the plight of women facing unwanted pregnancy in the 1950s,
In the early 1970s he developed a soft, flexible tube, or cannula, for a device that was widely adopted in the United States and developing countries to perform early abortions. In 1972 [he] was part of a humanitarian mission to terminate the pregnancies of 1,500 Bangladesh women and girls who had been raped by Pakistani soldiers. His cannula is still widely used today.

"Karman's name is not known, yet his ingenuity and to some extent his courage has made safe abortion available to literally millions of women around the world.

"Karman also had many detractors, particularly because of his attempt to revolutionize second-trimester abortions with a device called the super coil, which was inserted into the uterus and expanded when exposed to moisture, causing a miscarriage. It caused serious complications, including hemorrhaging and infection, when it was used on about a dozen women in Philadelphia on Mother's Day in 1972.

[And now for the money quote:]

"Karman was born Harvey Walters on April 26, 1924, in the tiny northwest Oregon town of Clatskanie. He did not know his father, and his mother, who led a transient lifestyle, often left him in orphanages. "

What can I say?
What do you all say?

Friday, May 16, 2008

It Doesn't Get Any Cooler Than This.

Adoption has been in the news a lot recently. Earlier this week Laura Ingraham announced on her show that she has adopted a little girl from Guatemala, and on Saturday my brother-in-law and his wife will travel to Armenia to pick up their new daughter. It's all the rage.

DIH's gorgeous daughter is adopted. Let me just say right away, there is nothing cooler than adopting a child. One day you're walking around empty-handed and the next you've got a baby in your arms. Your baby. I mean, come on, how cool is that?

You know from Day One it's your kid. Um... the baby doesn't necessarily know that, yet. The first few days she may stare at you with a "Who the hell is this???" look in her eyes. She may also be quite vocal about her feelings. This is good. It means she's paying attention and is no pushover. [Note to overseas airline passengers: try not to complain that the baby in seat 34 E is making too much noise. New parents who just spend 24 hours in the air and two weeks on the ground in some godforsaken corner of the world are in no mood to be conciliatory. Trust me.]

Of course there's tons of adjusting in store. Suddenly becoming a mommy in your 40s has its challenges. Like, playgroups. Playgroups are full of young children and their ridiculously youthful moms. When DIH walked into her first baby playgroup with Sophia in her arms, the group leader gave her a big smile and exclaimed, "You look too young to be a grandmother!" "Thank you, " DIH croaked.

But you make a lot of younger friends. Which is very, very cool. it has its odd moments, of course. Like when your fellow parents invite you to dinner and serve barbecued ribs and macaroni salad. You get this wistful, nostalgic feeling for a moment--"I remember when I could eat this stuff. Sigh..." Then you get a grip and load up you plate with whatever greed stuff that's around. Pull up your socks, suck in your stomach and eat your salad. It's good for you.

We adopted Sophia when DIH was 45. She is now seven. You do the math. By all reasonable standards DIH should be way past the "mommy" stage.

But she is not. At 52 she has a second-grader. And I have never, ever felt luckier.

There are so many special moments Sophia and I have shared. True story:
SOPHIA: "Mommy! I lost a tooth today!"
DIH: "Really? So did I!"

Last weekend my daughter made her First Holy Communion. Did you hear that? Her FIRST COMMUNION!!! And I, her 50-something mom, got to buy the white dress and the shoes and the little veil, and take the pictures and throw the party and beam with pride, all the while thinking "I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY GET TO DO THIS!!! THANK YOU, GOD!!"

I'm telling you. Adoption rocks. Congratulations, Laura, and good luck on your mission, Kevin and Sonia. You're in for the ride of a lifetime. Welcome to the adoption club- we're a fun, fabulous group!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

In Which Desperate Irish Housewife Continues Today's Literature Seminar

Read the James Frey excerpt (below), if you haven't already. Then read this.

"There once lived a Wolf and he had a brother who looked just like him. He had gray and black fur he had very sharp teeth and claws. He had a long tongue, his eyebrows were big and his eyeballs were always slanted. He looked VERY scary and his brother looked just like him. All the other wolves were very scared of them! Their names were Sharp Teeth and Claw Face!
One day they went out hunting for food..."

Pardon me for pointing out the obvious. But the above passage is so much better than Frey's. For good reason: you want to know what happens next, the character descriptions are powerful and vivid, and the wolves have names. So you know who you're reading about.

The story of Sharp Teeth and Claw Face was written by Miss Sophia Vigilante, who is seven years old and is in second grade.

Since I know the suspense is kiling you. here's the rest of the story. Enjoy-

"They wanted to find a nice juicy sheep and eat it. But what about the shepherd? How could they get a sheep when the shepherd was guarding them? They thought and thought. Then Claw Face got an idea. "Sharp Teeth you distract the shepherd. I will get the juiciest sheep I can find OK." Then they put their plan into action.

" When they got tot he place, Sharp Teeth ran in front of the shepherd. While he was distracting the shepherd Claw Face snuck and tried to find the juiciest sheep then finally he found the perfect one.

"He cut it and killed it. Then, he gave a signal to Sharp Teeth, and both left and had a nice juicy sheep for dinner.
The End."

Maybe I should send it on to Random House. Hey, ten percent of $1.5 mil is a lot of money, right?

A Million Missing Punctuation Marks

Dear, dear. James Frey is at it again. The disgraced author of the fraudulent memoir "A Million Little Pieces" has a new book out.

First of all, let's give a little credit where credit is due: at least this time Frey had the sense to label the book a novel. "Bright Shiny Morning" is about LA. Yeah, LA. Hollywood. Tinseltown. A million shattered dreams. Tough-talking guys n'gals. Mexican maricons making it big as gossip columnists. Well, come on, what else?

Here's a game. Read the following excerpt to your friends. Then everyone tells at what point they knew the guy was going to grow up to be a gay gossip columnist:

"He was born in Miami his parents were Cuban. He grew up wanting to become an actor the biggest Latin movie star in history. As a child he dressed up and put on shows for his mother, his sister they both loved hin and his shows and they fawned over him he was a precocious child."

Harrumph, you say. Why, Desperate, is it so important that the character is a gossip columnist? Why dwell on the "gay" aspect? Answer: because nothing else happens here. The excerpt ends with the man (he doesn't have a name- see, LA is a big town full of nameless faceless people, get it? that's called literature, by the way- especially when you leave out the quotation marks) having a popular internet gossip column. It's basically a resume, actually. It's like the character notes for a novel Frey planned but never found the time to write.

Still, you have to hand it to Frey. It wasn't even two years ago that "A Million Little Pieces" was exposed and Oprah ripped him apart on national TV. It takes a lot of nerve to make this kind of comeback. Even as DIH types her little blog, "Bright Shiny Morning" is Number One on Amazon. And his publisher, Random House, reportedly gave Frey a $1.5 million advance for "BSM."

I gotta find out who his agent is.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

This Is From Memory, But...

(Woody Allen and Diane Keaton are sharing a late-night walk in "Manhattan.")

WOODY ALLEN: My ex-wife left me for another woman. They have custody of our son.

DIANE KEATON: And you're worried? You shouldn't be, I've read the research, it's fine. It's like having two mothers.

WOODY ALLEN: Really? Most people barely survive one mother.

Happy Mother's Day from DIH.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Oh Yeah. They're Scared.

Is it just me, or is everyone having this problem:

Every time I try to call up a story about Hillary Clinton, my internet connection goes kerplooey.

This has not always been the case. Back when the former First Lady (I use the term loosely) was the presumptive (and I do mean presumptive) nominee, I could read about her until the cows came home. In fact I could hardly avoid it. Whenever there was a headline that looked halfway interesting all DIH had to do was doubleclick and boom, there it was.

But ever since Hil's Indiana squeaker win, I can't get any information. It's like every time a Hillary story sees me coming it takes a flying leap for the ozone layer. And I get the beachball, and then the "The application has unexpectedly quit go ahead and call if you want but no one's gonna fix it" notice.

I suspect skullduggery is afoot. Clearly the Clinton campaign has decided Desperate Irish Housewife is too dangerous to be kept informed.

Yeah. That's gotta be it.

Fear me, Democrats! I have the power!

"Yamaha Music Education Is Worth Every Penny" Department